Master Batters Chop Down The TRE Huggers 17-9

I want to start off by apologizing for the late coverage of the Master Batters 3rd game. This article has gone way past my editors deadline and I have been severely punished for my tardiness. I would like to add however that my hunting trip, though it went late, was extremely successful. I have taken down my first angry black bear, and am on my way to an extremely beautiful and warm comforter. I have focused my efforts toward the smaller easier to manage bear, for their mauling capabilities are much less severe. 324 more of these little guys and I should have enough warm bear skin to cover my California queen size bed!

Anyway, after a totally inappropriate and selfish uproar from Mother Nature, the Mater Batters have finally crushed their way past the TRE Huggers 17-9. From what started out as a close game, quickly took an ugly turn as the Master Batters went on a killing spree of hits, bludgeoning the game wide open in the 5th and 6th inning. Some speculate that performance enhancing drugs where used during these innings, however nothing was confirmed by looking at their bodies.

Sarah Brown didn't have the kind of game she had become accustom too on Sunday night. Her 2.00 ERA increased to 4.33 after giving up 9 runs in this 6 inning complete game. Brown is well on her way to breaking another complete game season record. The record is currently held by Brown during the 2007 season where she threw every single game, refusing to ever come out. Brown did however struggle with her balance and coordination during this win. "It seemed like she was falling down, rolling on the ground or throwing the ball away every chance she got," Tripodi said. A fan later confirmed that Brown was spotted earlier in the day riding the 'Gravitron' over and over again at the Blue Island Carnival. Nobody could have predicted the severity of the side effects given the amount of times she had ridden this spinning wheel of puke.

Cliff Barnett (0) and Mike 'Smergs' Schmirdla (57) provided the Master Batters with a much needed spark in the top of the 5th inning. Barnett lead the team with 5 plate appearances and 5 hits respectively. It is now clear to see his heart and mind are set on leading the team in every offensive category. It is also safe to speculate that Barnett might be using the Master Batters as a spring board to bigger and better opportunities.

Luke Tripodi (22) and Kellie Hasselbeck (2) held down the right side of the infield allowing no balls to pass. Combined, this tandem also lead the team in multiple swinging bunts.

Catcher Lauren Ritter filled in for 'Chatty' Cervenka after she was suspended indefinetly for a late night altercation with other members on the squad. Apparently Cervenka doesn't take kindly to people talking after 9:00pm on school nights. Despite all that, Cervenka is still expected back for next weeks contest. Ritter started off the game somewhat confused with the balls and strikes concept of hitting. She quickly figured out that she doesn't get unlimited pitches after an embarrassing backwards 'K'. Later in the game, after she hit the ball to shortstop, Ritter did her best impression of a limp wristed fairly frolicking from cloud to cloud sprinkling fairy dust on everyone headed to first base. It was no surprise she was out by 24 steps. Cervenka is scheduled to work with Ritter so that she is not confused with a running fairy.

The 2 game 8 for 8 hitting streak came to an end for center fielder Justin Smith. Rumors are going around that his bat speed has slowed considerable due to his rapid increase in age. "It is always unfortunate when a great player hangs on to the game just a little too long. It is always nice to see them go out on top rather then struggle and lose their ability and edge," Brown explained while falling down. Their is no question that Smith is an exceptional player, the only question remaining is...how much does he have left in him?

Eric 'Ferdy' Furman might be borrowing that wheelchair from Smith soon. The Master Batters tough shortstop played through the pain, after later confirming that his knee had been shattered by a 4th inning line drive off the bat of a TRE Hugger. Furman is expected to play after a short week on the disabled list , however he will most likely be playing with a bike helmet and knee pads next week.

Peanut Carpenter and Andy Carpenter will have higher expectations next week. Peanut Carpenter was unable to achieve her Make a Wish Foundation dream of running the bases and Andy Carpenter has fallen behind on his 1 diving catch per game goal.

The Master Batters go up against another undefeated opponent in next weeks contest. It will be a good test to see how good the Master Batters really are. For some players, it might be best to stay in bed and avoid unlikely injuries, for others it might help to get out there and take some swings at the local batting cage.

Tripodi Crushes Final Blow, Job Secure, as Master Batters Stroke Their Way Past "This Team Stinks" 12-2 in 5 innings

The question whether utility player Luke Tripodi belongs on the Master Batters squad was answered Sunday night after delivering the game ending smash, putting the game out of reach for "This Team Stinks." The muffled shot under the crowds roar put the Master Batters up 10 in the bottom of the 5th, keeping the hopes alive of a winless season for the genetically inferior conference rivals.

Recent questions arose for the GM whether or not Tripodi would be demoted to the (AAA) Alaska Skilled Swingers organization, however his recent fielding resemblence to Tampa Bay Rays Evan Lungoria has proven to upper management that Tripodi is here to stay and his early season struggles are over for now.


Pitcher, Sarah Brown maintained her 2.00 ERA improving her record to 2-0 for the season. The only team that would have given Brown less competition would have been Saint Mary's Sister of the Blind. SMSotB went on to win their blind league championship 418-412 in seven innings last year. The game took a record 4 days and 17 hours to complete. Both coaches felt their pitchers walked entirely too many batters during this endless marathon. "Its like our pitcher had no idea where the strike zone was," commented the coach from SMSotB. Catcher "Chatty" Cervenka was the MVP of that record breaking championship game. Her performance later warranted a 3 year contract with the Master Batters contingent on the completion of her running training with an African wounded gazelle.

Cliff Barnett once again provided much needed power to the Master Batters lineup, however he was fined $100 after the game for making anti-team comments. "Are you kidding me Luke, don't you know I was up next...you know I wanted more RBI's right?" spouted Barnett. His running through the third base coach's stop sign was also noticed. Cliff later commented that he needed one more run scored to increase his Chicago sport and social fantasy softball ranking.

Shortstop Eric Furman showed glipses of perfection as he and Tripodi turned the first double play of the season. The only strange occurrence of that play was that the girl running to first base decided to carry a piano. Later, in the bottom of the 5th inning Furman was confronted with his childhood fear, not of being picked last in recess kickball, but of striking out in back-to-back games. However his determination payed off when he singled in a run raising the opposing pitchers ERA to 36.98.

Justin Smith (CF) continued his hitting streak to 2 games as he is yet to get an out in the 2008 season. He is currently leading the league in hits and on-base percentage. I got a chance to speak to Smith after the game. "My whole goal this year is to get on base more times than the soap is dropped in a White Sox post game shower," he explained. It took me a minute to understand that strange comment, but later realized that either the Sox are pretty gay, or somehow Smith has a VIP pass to this strange event.

Number 57 Mike Shimerdla was caught sleeping at 3rd base during this snoozfest as no balls were hit in his direction. He went 1-3 during his 2008 Master Batter debute. It was an extended spring training game for him and he is trying to find the swing that will lead the team is slugging percentage.

Unfortunate news did happen prior to the game as Peanut Carpenter (RF) and Andx Kuntz (LF) had an mishap in a post game shower and will be placed on the 14 day DL, leaving them unable to play in next weeks matchup. However not much will be lost offensively as they went 2-8 at the plate. Important lessons were learned during this mishap, and they are: NEVER PARTAKE IN ANY COUPLES SHOWERS ESPECIALLY ON GAME DAY.

The Master Batters move to the top of the league rankings with this win as they are now a perfect 2-0. They do however have many holes in there defense located mostly between their legs.