Justin K's as Cliff Takes Leaping Strides in Center

Once again the Master Batters showed their regular season strength Sunday with a win over the Local Area Sports team 14-9. Last nights game could have been the toughest test year to date for the tireless Master Batters. The opposition came to the field as the #1 team in the league with a convincing doubleheader win over Brad Herzog, a local area hero around Northwest Indiana and Joshua Gordon-Blake, a man who mysteriously has to hyphenate his last name. First baseman Furman and Third baseman Shmergs felt that "capitalizing on key mistakes was the key to last nights victory." Many other fans felt that Barnetts pre-mature but effective leaping catch in the 7th saved the day. I myself have always said "six of one, half dozen of the other."

What the Master Batters are sure about is the huge gaping hole suddenly in left field. The second inning of Sunday nights game proved the similarities between Justin Smith and an abused but adorable puppy. They both seem to cower when objects are suddenly hit in their direction. Smith later went on to use the classic excuse of "the sun got in my eyes." This excuse however only fly's as far as a wingless airplane due to the fact that eye black had been invented in the late 1940's and clinically proven effective in 2003 by Brian DeBroff. Although the studies did show that eye black is less effective in blue eyed individuals, this is no excuse why Smith was not wearing it. Doesn't Smith realize that eye black is worn by all time greats such as Ryne Sandburg, Lance Johnson, Drew Bledsoe, Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez and Chipper Jones? What did you say...eye black is gay? I don't know about anyone else but I have never questioned Ryne Sandburgs sexual preference. Not only did later findings in DeBroff's study prove that eye black is in fact heterosexual but it also concluded that Justin Smith did strike out for the first time in the 5th inning of last nights game.

The "oh-fer" sisters did come out and play last night as Sarah Brown and Kristina Carpenter-Kuntz combined for an 0h-fer-10 effort. Some spectators thought if it wasn't for Browns pitching and Kristina's ability to run after that one foul ball, the outcome could have been different. Hasselbeck and Cervenka did however pick up the slack. Both players came to the field ready and ended up with key hits that helped the Master Batters move into 1st place.

Memenga showed signs of a Trinidad and Tobago track athlete as he pulled up late in the game with a hamstring injury. If only there was a coach Bud Kilmer on the team that could shoot Memengas hamstring up with Cortisone. Unlike Jonny the "Mox" Moxin" of the West Caanan Coyotes, I know no one on the Master Batters would quit if it meant Memenga would take an injection and keep hitting like he did Sunday night. (works cited: Varsity Blues). Memenga returned to the game only to take a key walk in the top of the 7th. He showed the heart of a 1988 Jamaican Bobsledder walking to first base but suddenly realized no one was on their feet clapping and weeping so he quickly turned back to the dugout.

Barnetts 6th inning miscue in center field was later over shadowed by his leaping catch in the 7th inning to save the 5 run lead. Barnett replaced Memenga in center after his sixth inning injury. One fan went on to say, "If there was a wall out there I am sure he would have robbed a homerun." Another fan went on to say, "Barnett must have been wearing eye black out there because we hadn't seen such a great heterosexual catch all day." Barnett showed the Master Batters that not even titanium screws in his hip will come between him and a fly ball. Especially not the sun!

Injuries are starting to plague the Master Batters but have not yet sank this tightly ran ship. It looks as if for the third year in a row the Master Batters will cruise through the regular season. Although bold, Smith believes if Barnett and Company keep playing like they have been then nothing will stop them. This could be true, however they can't think too far ahead because they must get past singing sensation/softball team, the Jersey boys first.

Pre season polls show Master Batters ranked #2

(Chicago, IL AP)

The sun is out, the snow has cleared and a long naked look at your self in the mirror makes you realize that your beach body will have to wait 'till next year. These are the signs that not only should we have worked out months ago but the 2009 Master Batters softball season is only a few days away. Many members such as Cervenka and Shmergs have been working tirelessly in the gym while other unmentioned members have been eating large pizzas and wiping the sauce off their face with extra large DQ blizzards. The latter could be one of the reasons why the Master Batters were once again snubbed in the Chicago Sports Gazette preseason polls.

According to the latest Chicago Sports Gazette polls the Master Batters have been slapped in the face and dropped to #2 in the highly acclaimed PSG coed rankings. Apparently the top spot in 2009 was given to Joshua Gordon-Blake. Not much is known about this newly acquired recluse of a team. Is it even a whole team? Is this just one guy forced to hyphenate his name at the orders of his short red-haired controlling wife? Or maybe he was just adopted by his step dad. Who knows, however recent rumors are swirling that he is a squash loving 30 something man shunned by other teams and looking to make something magical with a certain potential catcher. It shouldn't be t00 hard to pass this man/team in the polls after he is so rudely deleted from our lives without even a second look.

The MB lineup has been set and they are ready to smash their way past Duck Snort in the opening game of the season. Leading off and playing rover is Cliff Barnett. Instead of working on his game this off-season Cliff was often seen looking through the fence cracks of a junior high playground. According to local authorities Cliff was said to be scoping out recess football games in an effort to find future Fantasy Football talent. His obsession with finding talent before it hits the waiver wire has gone too far. Let’s hope Barnett puts as much focus in the Master Batters as he did in his 2009 Fantasy Football championship.

Sarah Brown (P) and Justin Smith will be hitting second and third respectively. Sarah will be looking to start the inning off strong after Barnett most likely strikes out looking. Smith will then come to the plate with his 2008 leading .883 batting average. Vegas odds show a 2/1 chance he will be looking for the closest premature fetus to hit it towards. Smith is also making his Master Batter debut in LF. An Ice bath and body wrap will be made nightly after he goes for the record of 19 diving catches in a season.

Kuntz SS and Kristina "Nut" Carpenter RF will follow in the lineup. Kuntz has much to prove after finishing the 2007 season 4th in the gold glove rankings. Apparently the scouts down the right field line felt it appropriate to award the top spots to a couple stud computer programmers. Carpenter is coming into the 2009 season extremely strong by recording zero fly balls off her face during the off-season. Carpenter did get miss congeniality last season for RF, however finished 19th out of 10 in RF MVP voting. Unfortunately, for the second straight year she was edged out by 3 megabytes for RF computer nerd of the year.

Batting 6th in the lineup and playing CF is first round draft pick Justin Memenga. Justin comes to us from Cervenkas old softball league where she had claimed MVP honors 6 out to the 7 years. “I am coming in hot like Tom Brady after Drew Bledsoe”, said Memenga to CSG reporters. Apparently having 4 probowl appearances in 7 playing season, much like Neal Anderson isn't enough for an RBI thirsty Memenga. Let’s just hope he doesn't go down for the season during the first play of the game.

Batting 7th in the lineup but # 1 in our hearts is Kellie the ‘Hitta’ Hasselbeck. No one really knows how Hasselbecks off season workouts have gone, but she most likely will be late for the first game after digging extensively through the closet in an effort to find her glove.

Hitting in the eight hole this season will be newly neutered and engaged third baseman, simply known as “Shmergs.” Although Shmergs has all intentions of not missing any games this season, some members believe his love for wedding planning might get in the way. Will he have time to pick out the place settings, chair covers and 5 tier cake all while playing a flawless hot corner? Only time will tell how good his time management skills will be.

“No one on the field has swagga like the catcha,” claims Cervenka. And yes, those two words mean swagger and catcher and not two totally different meanings as Chatty would argue from teaching in the ghetto. Unfortunately Cervenka will not be ‘hitting’ in the nine hole as much as she will be swinging there. Many hitting instructors have worked with Chatty over the past few off-seasons and all felt it best to just put her down. After careful consideration we felt, her telling us the obvious and her 'partes tetas' were too much to part with.


Hitting in the 10 hole is 1st baseman Eric Furman. Furman will be making the switch to firstbase after spending much of the 2008 season at shortstop. Hopefully Furman can imitate a 2006 Nomar Garciaparra and pull an allstar season after making the change. Coincidentally both players made the switch due to plaguing injuries, one while biking to the games and the other from multiple steroid cycles. Only Kellie could tell us the side effects haunting Furman.

Rounding out the team is utility player Lauren Ritter. Ritter is in her sophmore season after compiling a .173 batting average and 2 to 1 swing to whiff ratio last year. Only this season will tell if Ritter has overcome her issue of laughing and yelling while running down the first baseline. Ritters newly found recruiting skills might be the first step in proving that she is player to watch out for...only if we are losing by more then 50 or winning by more then 20 with 1 out to go.

Perhaps more important than any player on the Master Batters is the newest addtion to the team. This addition should give some players 100+ feet to most hits and for other players...well maybe it will just go in the right direction. Good luck Master Batters and I will see you in the champagne team shower.

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