The sun is out, the snow has cleared and a long naked look at your self in the mirror makes you realize that your beach body will have to wait 'till next year. These are the signs that not only should we have worked out months ago but the 2009 Master Batters softball season is only a few days away. Many members such as Cervenka and Shmergs have been working tirelessly in the gym while other unmentioned members have been eating large pizzas and wiping the sauce off their face with extra large DQ blizzards. The latter could be one of the reasons why the Master Batters were once again snubbed in the Chicago Sports Gazette preseason polls.
According to the latest Chicago Sports Gazette polls the Master Batters have been slapped in the face and dropped to #2 in the highly acclaimed PSG coed rankings. Apparently the top spot in 2009 was given to Joshua Gordon-Blake. Not much is known about this newly acquired recluse of a team. Is it even a whole team? Is this just one guy forced to hyphenate his name at the orders of his short red-haired controlling wife? Or maybe he was just adopted by his step dad. Who knows, however recent rumors are swirling that he is a squash loving 30 something man shunned by other teams and looking to make something magical with a certain potential catcher. It shouldn't be t00 hard to pass this man/team in the polls after he is so rudely deleted from our lives without even a second look.
The MB lineup has been set and they are ready to smash their way past Duck Snort in the
opening game of the season. Leading off and playing rover is Cliff Barnett. Instead of working on his game this off-season Cliff was often seen looking through the fence cracks of a junior high playground. According to local authorities Cliff was said to be scoping out recess football games in an effort to find future Fantasy Football talent. His obsession with finding talent before it hits the waiver wire has gone too far. Let’s hope Barnett puts as much focus in the Master Batters as he did in his 2009 Fantasy Football championship.
Sarah Brown (P) and Justin Smith will be hitting second and third respectively. Sarah will be
looking to start the inning off strong after Barnett most likely strikes out looking. Smith will then come to the plate with his 2008 leading .883 batting average. Vegas odds show a 2/1 chance he will be looking for the closest premature fetus to hit it towards. Smith is also making his Master Batter debut in LF. An Ice bath and body wrap will be made nightly after he goes for the record of 19 diving catches in a season.
Kuntz SS and Kristina "Nut" Carpenter RF will follow in the lineup.
Kuntz has much to prove after finishing the 2007 season 4th in the gold glove rankings. Apparently the scouts down the right field line felt it appropriate to award the top spots to a couple stud computer 
programmers. Carpenter is coming into the 2009 season extremely strong by recording zero fly balls off her face during the off-season. Carpenter did get miss congeniality last season for RF, however finished 19th out of 10 in RF MVP voting. Unfortunately, for the second straight year she was edged out by 3 megabytes for RF computer nerd of the year.
According to the latest Chicago Sports Gazette polls the Master Batters have been slapped in the face and dropped to #2 in the highly acclaimed PSG coed rankings. Apparently the top spot in 2009 was given to Joshua Gordon-Blake. Not much is known about this newly acquired recluse of a team. Is it even a whole team? Is this just one guy forced to hyphenate his name at the orders of his short red-haired controlling wife? Or maybe he was just adopted by his step dad. Who knows, however recent rumors are swirling that he is a squash loving 30 something man shunned by other teams and looking to make something magical with a certain potential catcher. It shouldn't be t00 hard to pass this man/team in the polls after he is so rudely deleted from our lives without even a second look.
The MB lineup has been set and they are ready to smash their way past Duck Snort in the
opening game of the season. Leading off and playing rover is Cliff Barnett. Instead of working on his game this off-season Cliff was often seen looking through the fence cracks of a junior high playground. According to local authorities Cliff was said to be scoping out recess football games in an effort to find future Fantasy Football talent. His obsession with finding talent before it hits the waiver wire has gone too far. Let’s hope Barnett puts as much focus in the Master Batters as he did in his 2009 Fantasy Football championship.Sarah Brown (P) and Justin Smith will be hitting second and third respectively. Sarah will be
looking to start the inning off strong after Barnett most likely strikes out looking. Smith will then come to the plate with his 2008 leading .883 batting average. Vegas odds show a 2/1 chance he will be looking for the closest premature fetus to hit it towards. Smith is also making his Master Batter debut in LF. An Ice bath and body wrap will be made nightly after he goes for the record of 19 diving catches in a season.Kuntz SS and Kristina "Nut" Carpenter RF will follow in the lineup.
Kuntz has much to prove after finishing the 2007 season 4th in the gold glove rankings. Apparently the scouts down the right field line felt it appropriate to award the top spots to a couple stud computer 
programmers. Carpenter is coming into the 2009 season extremely strong by recording zero fly balls off her face during the off-season. Carpenter did get miss congeniality last season for RF, however finished 19th out of 10 in RF MVP voting. Unfortunately, for the second straight year she was edged out by 3 megabytes for RF computer nerd of the year.Batting 6th in the lineup and playing CF is first round draft pick Justin Memenga. 
Justin comes to us from Cervenkas old softball league where she had claimed MVP honors 6 out to the 7 years. “I am coming in hot like Tom Brady after Drew Bledsoe”, said Memenga to CSG reporters. Apparently having 4 probowl appearances in 7 playing season, much like Neal Anderson isn't enough for an RBI thirsty Memenga. Let’s just hope he doesn't go down for the season during the first play of the game.
Batting 7th in the lineup but # 1 in our hearts is Kellie the ‘Hitta’ Hasselbeck. No one really knows how Hasselbecks off season workouts have gone, but she most likely will be late for the first game after digging extensively through the closet in an effort to find her glove.
Hitting in the eight hole this season will be newly neutered and engaged third baseman, simply known as “Shmergs.” Although Shmergs has all intentions of not missing any games this season, some members believe his love for wedding planning might get in the way. Will he have time to pick out the place settings, chair covers and 5 tier cake all while playing a flawless hot corner? Only time will tell how good his time management skills will be.
“No one on the field has swagga like the catcha,” claims Cervenka. And yes, those two words mean swagger and catcher and not two totally different meanings as Chatty would argue from teaching in the ghetto. Unfortunately Cervenka will not be ‘hitting’ in the nine hole as much as she will be swinging there. Many hitting instructors have worked with Chatty over the past few off-seasons and all felt it best to just put her down. After careful consideration we felt, her telling us the obvious and her 'partes tetas' were too much to part with.
Hitting in the 10 hole is 1st baseman Eric Furman. Furman will be making the switch to firstbase after spending much of the 2008 season at shortstop. Hopefully Furman can imitate a 2006 Nomar Garciaparra and pull an allstar season after making the change. Coincidentally both players made the switch due to plaguing injuries, one while biking to the games and the other from multiple steroid cycles. Only Kellie could tell us the side effects haunting Furman.
Rounding out the team is utility player Lauren Ritter. Ritter is in her sophmore season after compiling a .173 batting average and 2 to 1 swing to whiff ratio last year. Only this season will tell if Ritter has overcome her issue of laughing and yelling while running down the first baseline. Ritters newly found recruiting skills might be the first step in proving that she is player to watch out for...only if we are losing by more then 50 or winning by more then 20 with 1 out to go.
Justin comes to us from Cervenkas old softball league where she had claimed MVP honors 6 out to the 7 years. “I am coming in hot like Tom Brady after Drew Bledsoe”, said Memenga to CSG reporters. Apparently having 4 probowl appearances in 7 playing season, much like Neal Anderson isn't enough for an RBI thirsty Memenga. Let’s just hope he doesn't go down for the season during the first play of the game.
Batting 7th in the lineup but # 1 in our hearts is Kellie the ‘Hitta’ Hasselbeck. No one really knows how Hasselbecks off season workouts have gone, but she most likely will be late for the first game after digging extensively through the closet in an effort to find her glove.
Hitting in the eight hole this season will be newly neutered and engaged third baseman, simply known as “Shmergs.” Although Shmergs has all intentions of not missing any games this season, some members believe his love for wedding planning might get in the way. Will he have time to pick out the place settings, chair covers and 5 tier cake all while playing a flawless hot corner? Only time will tell how good his time management skills will be.
“No one on the field has swagga like the catcha,” claims Cervenka. And yes, those two words mean swagger and catcher and not two totally different meanings as Chatty would argue from teaching in the ghetto. Unfortunately Cervenka will not be ‘hitting’ in the nine hole as much as she will be swinging there. Many hitting instructors have worked with Chatty over the past few off-seasons and all felt it best to just put her down. After careful consideration we felt, her telling us the obvious and her 'partes tetas' were too much to part with.
Hitting in the 10 hole is 1st baseman Eric Furman. Furman will be making the switch to firstbase after spending much of the 2008 season at shortstop. Hopefully Furman can imitate a 2006 Nomar Garciaparra and pull an allstar season after making the change. Coincidentally both players made the switch due to plaguing injuries, one while biking to the games and the other from multiple steroid cycles. Only Kellie could tell us the side effects haunting Furman.
Rounding out the team is utility player Lauren Ritter. Ritter is in her sophmore season after compiling a .173 batting average and 2 to 1 swing to whiff ratio last year. Only this season will tell if Ritter has overcome her issue of laughing and yelling while running down the first baseline. Ritters newly found recruiting skills might be the first step in proving that she is player to watch out for...only if we are losing by more then 50 or winning by more then 20 with 1 out to go. 
Perhaps more important than any player on the Master Batters is the newest addtion to the team. This addition should give some players 100+ feet to most hits and for other players...well maybe it will just go in the right direction. Good luck Master Batters and I will see you in the champagne team shower. _______________________________________________________
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