Justin K's as Cliff Takes Leaping Strides in Center

Once again the Master Batters showed their regular season strength Sunday with a win over the Local Area Sports team 14-9. Last nights game could have been the toughest test year to date for the tireless Master Batters. The opposition came to the field as the #1 team in the league with a convincing doubleheader win over Brad Herzog, a local area hero around Northwest Indiana and Joshua Gordon-Blake, a man who mysteriously has to hyphenate his last name. First baseman Furman and Third baseman Shmergs felt that "capitalizing on key mistakes was the key to last nights victory." Many other fans felt that Barnetts pre-mature but effective leaping catch in the 7th saved the day. I myself have always said "six of one, half dozen of the other."

What the Master Batters are sure about is the huge gaping hole suddenly in left field. The second inning of Sunday nights game proved the similarities between Justin Smith and an abused but adorable puppy. They both seem to cower when objects are suddenly hit in their direction. Smith later went on to use the classic excuse of "the sun got in my eyes." This excuse however only fly's as far as a wingless airplane due to the fact that eye black had been invented in the late 1940's and clinically proven effective in 2003 by Brian DeBroff. Although the studies did show that eye black is less effective in blue eyed individuals, this is no excuse why Smith was not wearing it. Doesn't Smith realize that eye black is worn by all time greats such as Ryne Sandburg, Lance Johnson, Drew Bledsoe, Tom Brady, Alex Rodriguez and Chipper Jones? What did you say...eye black is gay? I don't know about anyone else but I have never questioned Ryne Sandburgs sexual preference. Not only did later findings in DeBroff's study prove that eye black is in fact heterosexual but it also concluded that Justin Smith did strike out for the first time in the 5th inning of last nights game.

The "oh-fer" sisters did come out and play last night as Sarah Brown and Kristina Carpenter-Kuntz combined for an 0h-fer-10 effort. Some spectators thought if it wasn't for Browns pitching and Kristina's ability to run after that one foul ball, the outcome could have been different. Hasselbeck and Cervenka did however pick up the slack. Both players came to the field ready and ended up with key hits that helped the Master Batters move into 1st place.

Memenga showed signs of a Trinidad and Tobago track athlete as he pulled up late in the game with a hamstring injury. If only there was a coach Bud Kilmer on the team that could shoot Memengas hamstring up with Cortisone. Unlike Jonny the "Mox" Moxin" of the West Caanan Coyotes, I know no one on the Master Batters would quit if it meant Memenga would take an injection and keep hitting like he did Sunday night. (works cited: Varsity Blues). Memenga returned to the game only to take a key walk in the top of the 7th. He showed the heart of a 1988 Jamaican Bobsledder walking to first base but suddenly realized no one was on their feet clapping and weeping so he quickly turned back to the dugout.

Barnetts 6th inning miscue in center field was later over shadowed by his leaping catch in the 7th inning to save the 5 run lead. Barnett replaced Memenga in center after his sixth inning injury. One fan went on to say, "If there was a wall out there I am sure he would have robbed a homerun." Another fan went on to say, "Barnett must have been wearing eye black out there because we hadn't seen such a great heterosexual catch all day." Barnett showed the Master Batters that not even titanium screws in his hip will come between him and a fly ball. Especially not the sun!

Injuries are starting to plague the Master Batters but have not yet sank this tightly ran ship. It looks as if for the third year in a row the Master Batters will cruise through the regular season. Although bold, Smith believes if Barnett and Company keep playing like they have been then nothing will stop them. This could be true, however they can't think too far ahead because they must get past singing sensation/softball team, the Jersey boys first.

Pre season polls show Master Batters ranked #2

(Chicago, IL AP)

The sun is out, the snow has cleared and a long naked look at your self in the mirror makes you realize that your beach body will have to wait 'till next year. These are the signs that not only should we have worked out months ago but the 2009 Master Batters softball season is only a few days away. Many members such as Cervenka and Shmergs have been working tirelessly in the gym while other unmentioned members have been eating large pizzas and wiping the sauce off their face with extra large DQ blizzards. The latter could be one of the reasons why the Master Batters were once again snubbed in the Chicago Sports Gazette preseason polls.

According to the latest Chicago Sports Gazette polls the Master Batters have been slapped in the face and dropped to #2 in the highly acclaimed PSG coed rankings. Apparently the top spot in 2009 was given to Joshua Gordon-Blake. Not much is known about this newly acquired recluse of a team. Is it even a whole team? Is this just one guy forced to hyphenate his name at the orders of his short red-haired controlling wife? Or maybe he was just adopted by his step dad. Who knows, however recent rumors are swirling that he is a squash loving 30 something man shunned by other teams and looking to make something magical with a certain potential catcher. It shouldn't be t00 hard to pass this man/team in the polls after he is so rudely deleted from our lives without even a second look.

The MB lineup has been set and they are ready to smash their way past Duck Snort in the opening game of the season. Leading off and playing rover is Cliff Barnett. Instead of working on his game this off-season Cliff was often seen looking through the fence cracks of a junior high playground. According to local authorities Cliff was said to be scoping out recess football games in an effort to find future Fantasy Football talent. His obsession with finding talent before it hits the waiver wire has gone too far. Let’s hope Barnett puts as much focus in the Master Batters as he did in his 2009 Fantasy Football championship.

Sarah Brown (P) and Justin Smith will be hitting second and third respectively. Sarah will be looking to start the inning off strong after Barnett most likely strikes out looking. Smith will then come to the plate with his 2008 leading .883 batting average. Vegas odds show a 2/1 chance he will be looking for the closest premature fetus to hit it towards. Smith is also making his Master Batter debut in LF. An Ice bath and body wrap will be made nightly after he goes for the record of 19 diving catches in a season.

Kuntz SS and Kristina "Nut" Carpenter RF will follow in the lineup. Kuntz has much to prove after finishing the 2007 season 4th in the gold glove rankings. Apparently the scouts down the right field line felt it appropriate to award the top spots to a couple stud computer programmers. Carpenter is coming into the 2009 season extremely strong by recording zero fly balls off her face during the off-season. Carpenter did get miss congeniality last season for RF, however finished 19th out of 10 in RF MVP voting. Unfortunately, for the second straight year she was edged out by 3 megabytes for RF computer nerd of the year.

Batting 6th in the lineup and playing CF is first round draft pick Justin Memenga. Justin comes to us from Cervenkas old softball league where she had claimed MVP honors 6 out to the 7 years. “I am coming in hot like Tom Brady after Drew Bledsoe”, said Memenga to CSG reporters. Apparently having 4 probowl appearances in 7 playing season, much like Neal Anderson isn't enough for an RBI thirsty Memenga. Let’s just hope he doesn't go down for the season during the first play of the game.

Batting 7th in the lineup but # 1 in our hearts is Kellie the ‘Hitta’ Hasselbeck. No one really knows how Hasselbecks off season workouts have gone, but she most likely will be late for the first game after digging extensively through the closet in an effort to find her glove.

Hitting in the eight hole this season will be newly neutered and engaged third baseman, simply known as “Shmergs.” Although Shmergs has all intentions of not missing any games this season, some members believe his love for wedding planning might get in the way. Will he have time to pick out the place settings, chair covers and 5 tier cake all while playing a flawless hot corner? Only time will tell how good his time management skills will be.

“No one on the field has swagga like the catcha,” claims Cervenka. And yes, those two words mean swagger and catcher and not two totally different meanings as Chatty would argue from teaching in the ghetto. Unfortunately Cervenka will not be ‘hitting’ in the nine hole as much as she will be swinging there. Many hitting instructors have worked with Chatty over the past few off-seasons and all felt it best to just put her down. After careful consideration we felt, her telling us the obvious and her 'partes tetas' were too much to part with.


Hitting in the 10 hole is 1st baseman Eric Furman. Furman will be making the switch to firstbase after spending much of the 2008 season at shortstop. Hopefully Furman can imitate a 2006 Nomar Garciaparra and pull an allstar season after making the change. Coincidentally both players made the switch due to plaguing injuries, one while biking to the games and the other from multiple steroid cycles. Only Kellie could tell us the side effects haunting Furman.

Rounding out the team is utility player Lauren Ritter. Ritter is in her sophmore season after compiling a .173 batting average and 2 to 1 swing to whiff ratio last year. Only this season will tell if Ritter has overcome her issue of laughing and yelling while running down the first baseline. Ritters newly found recruiting skills might be the first step in proving that she is player to watch out for...only if we are losing by more then 50 or winning by more then 20 with 1 out to go.

Perhaps more important than any player on the Master Batters is the newest addtion to the team. This addition should give some players 100+ feet to most hits and for other players...well maybe it will just go in the right direction. Good luck Master Batters and I will see you in the champagne team shower.

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Family Night Proves That Children Aren't Completely Worthless In Win Over Dunder Mifflin

For all you Master Batter parents that have ever asked the questions "what did I do wrong?" or "why is my child so much worse then all the other children?", you can finally sleep a little easier. Hold your heads high today parents because on July 27, 2008 your child proved they are not completely useless and unathletic. They have proven to you all, that they are at least better than 10 other kids on this day. They may have lost in their first round Regional match of the Northern Indiana High School tennis tournament, been born with red hair or even color blind as one might be above, however all is forgotten as they improve to 6-0 in the Chicago co-ed 12 inch slow pitch softball league.

Pitcher Sarah Brown (ERA 3.74) ended her complete game streak dating back from May of 2007 , when (RF) Peanut Carpenter came in relief in the 3rd inning. Brown was so upset that she later defied all softball rules and re-entered herself as the pitcher again in the 5th. Later in the game out of pure frustration she either swung at the pitch way too early or crushed it all the way to the pitcher, as indicated in the picture provided by the associated press.

Peanut Carpenter, who was recently diagnosed with color blindness once again came to the field in the wrong colored uniform. She did provide 1 solid inning of scoreless relief pitching and 5 innings of errorless right field. Her only struggle throughout the day was getting family members to try her pineapple salsa before the game. "It was alright after my first bite, but later it was just hard to keep down. I think she got the recipe from the North Trailer Park Elementary School lunch lady." said Mrs. Furman after throwing her salsa in the garbage. Nothing is set in stone but rumors are going around that some sort of class action lawsuit is in the works over this pineapple salsa mixture.

Bash sisters and co-catchers 'Chatty' Cervenka and Lauren Ritter were in and out of the lineup Sunday. Again, neither one of them produced a homerun and fans are starting to wonder how in fact they got the nickname the 'Bash Sisters'. The current homerun race to 1 is getting kind of boring to watch for most fans. Other than the amount of lies they tell, they really don't have much in common with the original 'Bash Brothers' Mark McGuire or Jose Canseco.

3rd baseline hitting specialist Kellie Hasselbeck proved once again that she could hit it to third better then anyone else. Her outburst of "WHY ME!!" or "NOT AGAIN!!" was heard all the way to the sold out fan section. If it wasn't for her endless hustle down the first baseline she might have been benched for her uncalled outburst. Her public apology was accepted and she now realizes the importance of being a roll model for all the young kids out there who hit it to 3rd base way to often.

Infielders Eric Furman (left), Cliffy Barnett (center) and Mike Smerdla (right) all had flawless days defensively, and provided timely power as the Master Batters stream rolled Dunder Mifflins very below average defense. Barnett still has problems running through the 3rd base coaches stop sign, however after he explained that he greased up that hip and ball joint, he has been getting the green light to run wherever and whenever he wants.

(LF) Andy Carpenter battled back Sunday after a slow recovery from a can of pringles containing a sneaky ingredient called Olestra. Like a ninja, the stealthy placement of the consumer alert was in between the 'buy 2 get one free' ad on the can. Touche pringles...touche. Even after the muddy bubbles and seepage subsided, Andy was still unable to execute a diving play for the only crowd of the season. He did however contribute to the two best dishes at the pre-game cookout. Rave reviews on the zucinni bread and guac dip were heard all over the park. **warning label to future consumers: Olestra causes muddy bubbles, and seepage where there should'nt be any seepage which in turn results in zero friends and high underwear bills.**

Bad Blood seems to be arising between (LF) Kuntz and (CF) Smith after Smith felt it appropriate to call for every ball in the outfield. Not only does Smith want all the RBI's, but now he now wants all the fly balls too. He did finally get a taste of what it was like to run after a ball in the 2nd inning, however no one thought the selfish actions would carry throughout the game. It is this kind of selfish play that has been known to tear championship teams apart. To add to the fire Tripodi's comment of Kuntz being the slowest human alive also did not go unnoticed.

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Overall the Master Batters were in rare form Sunday. Hits are becoming hard to come by for opponents as Tripodi sparks an infield with running webgems,and balls landing in the oufield grass are becoming increasingly rare. Everyone always seems to know how many outs there are even if there are none thanks to catcher Cervenka. It is this kind of play that will carry the Master Batters to their 2nd championship in 3 years.

**pictures and youtube footage provided by Mr. Smith**

Master Batters Chop Down The TRE Huggers 17-9

I want to start off by apologizing for the late coverage of the Master Batters 3rd game. This article has gone way past my editors deadline and I have been severely punished for my tardiness. I would like to add however that my hunting trip, though it went late, was extremely successful. I have taken down my first angry black bear, and am on my way to an extremely beautiful and warm comforter. I have focused my efforts toward the smaller easier to manage bear, for their mauling capabilities are much less severe. 324 more of these little guys and I should have enough warm bear skin to cover my California queen size bed!

Anyway, after a totally inappropriate and selfish uproar from Mother Nature, the Mater Batters have finally crushed their way past the TRE Huggers 17-9. From what started out as a close game, quickly took an ugly turn as the Master Batters went on a killing spree of hits, bludgeoning the game wide open in the 5th and 6th inning. Some speculate that performance enhancing drugs where used during these innings, however nothing was confirmed by looking at their bodies.

Sarah Brown didn't have the kind of game she had become accustom too on Sunday night. Her 2.00 ERA increased to 4.33 after giving up 9 runs in this 6 inning complete game. Brown is well on her way to breaking another complete game season record. The record is currently held by Brown during the 2007 season where she threw every single game, refusing to ever come out. Brown did however struggle with her balance and coordination during this win. "It seemed like she was falling down, rolling on the ground or throwing the ball away every chance she got," Tripodi said. A fan later confirmed that Brown was spotted earlier in the day riding the 'Gravitron' over and over again at the Blue Island Carnival. Nobody could have predicted the severity of the side effects given the amount of times she had ridden this spinning wheel of puke.

Cliff Barnett (0) and Mike 'Smergs' Schmirdla (57) provided the Master Batters with a much needed spark in the top of the 5th inning. Barnett lead the team with 5 plate appearances and 5 hits respectively. It is now clear to see his heart and mind are set on leading the team in every offensive category. It is also safe to speculate that Barnett might be using the Master Batters as a spring board to bigger and better opportunities.

Luke Tripodi (22) and Kellie Hasselbeck (2) held down the right side of the infield allowing no balls to pass. Combined, this tandem also lead the team in multiple swinging bunts.

Catcher Lauren Ritter filled in for 'Chatty' Cervenka after she was suspended indefinetly for a late night altercation with other members on the squad. Apparently Cervenka doesn't take kindly to people talking after 9:00pm on school nights. Despite all that, Cervenka is still expected back for next weeks contest. Ritter started off the game somewhat confused with the balls and strikes concept of hitting. She quickly figured out that she doesn't get unlimited pitches after an embarrassing backwards 'K'. Later in the game, after she hit the ball to shortstop, Ritter did her best impression of a limp wristed fairly frolicking from cloud to cloud sprinkling fairy dust on everyone headed to first base. It was no surprise she was out by 24 steps. Cervenka is scheduled to work with Ritter so that she is not confused with a running fairy.

The 2 game 8 for 8 hitting streak came to an end for center fielder Justin Smith. Rumors are going around that his bat speed has slowed considerable due to his rapid increase in age. "It is always unfortunate when a great player hangs on to the game just a little too long. It is always nice to see them go out on top rather then struggle and lose their ability and edge," Brown explained while falling down. Their is no question that Smith is an exceptional player, the only question remaining is...how much does he have left in him?

Eric 'Ferdy' Furman might be borrowing that wheelchair from Smith soon. The Master Batters tough shortstop played through the pain, after later confirming that his knee had been shattered by a 4th inning line drive off the bat of a TRE Hugger. Furman is expected to play after a short week on the disabled list , however he will most likely be playing with a bike helmet and knee pads next week.

Peanut Carpenter and Andy Carpenter will have higher expectations next week. Peanut Carpenter was unable to achieve her Make a Wish Foundation dream of running the bases and Andy Carpenter has fallen behind on his 1 diving catch per game goal.

The Master Batters go up against another undefeated opponent in next weeks contest. It will be a good test to see how good the Master Batters really are. For some players, it might be best to stay in bed and avoid unlikely injuries, for others it might help to get out there and take some swings at the local batting cage.

Tripodi Crushes Final Blow, Job Secure, as Master Batters Stroke Their Way Past "This Team Stinks" 12-2 in 5 innings

The question whether utility player Luke Tripodi belongs on the Master Batters squad was answered Sunday night after delivering the game ending smash, putting the game out of reach for "This Team Stinks." The muffled shot under the crowds roar put the Master Batters up 10 in the bottom of the 5th, keeping the hopes alive of a winless season for the genetically inferior conference rivals.

Recent questions arose for the GM whether or not Tripodi would be demoted to the (AAA) Alaska Skilled Swingers organization, however his recent fielding resemblence to Tampa Bay Rays Evan Lungoria has proven to upper management that Tripodi is here to stay and his early season struggles are over for now.


Pitcher, Sarah Brown maintained her 2.00 ERA improving her record to 2-0 for the season. The only team that would have given Brown less competition would have been Saint Mary's Sister of the Blind. SMSotB went on to win their blind league championship 418-412 in seven innings last year. The game took a record 4 days and 17 hours to complete. Both coaches felt their pitchers walked entirely too many batters during this endless marathon. "Its like our pitcher had no idea where the strike zone was," commented the coach from SMSotB. Catcher "Chatty" Cervenka was the MVP of that record breaking championship game. Her performance later warranted a 3 year contract with the Master Batters contingent on the completion of her running training with an African wounded gazelle.

Cliff Barnett once again provided much needed power to the Master Batters lineup, however he was fined $100 after the game for making anti-team comments. "Are you kidding me Luke, don't you know I was up next...you know I wanted more RBI's right?" spouted Barnett. His running through the third base coach's stop sign was also noticed. Cliff later commented that he needed one more run scored to increase his Chicago sport and social fantasy softball ranking.

Shortstop Eric Furman showed glipses of perfection as he and Tripodi turned the first double play of the season. The only strange occurrence of that play was that the girl running to first base decided to carry a piano. Later, in the bottom of the 5th inning Furman was confronted with his childhood fear, not of being picked last in recess kickball, but of striking out in back-to-back games. However his determination payed off when he singled in a run raising the opposing pitchers ERA to 36.98.

Justin Smith (CF) continued his hitting streak to 2 games as he is yet to get an out in the 2008 season. He is currently leading the league in hits and on-base percentage. I got a chance to speak to Smith after the game. "My whole goal this year is to get on base more times than the soap is dropped in a White Sox post game shower," he explained. It took me a minute to understand that strange comment, but later realized that either the Sox are pretty gay, or somehow Smith has a VIP pass to this strange event.

Number 57 Mike Shimerdla was caught sleeping at 3rd base during this snoozfest as no balls were hit in his direction. He went 1-3 during his 2008 Master Batter debute. It was an extended spring training game for him and he is trying to find the swing that will lead the team is slugging percentage.

Unfortunate news did happen prior to the game as Peanut Carpenter (RF) and Andx Kuntz (LF) had an mishap in a post game shower and will be placed on the 14 day DL, leaving them unable to play in next weeks matchup. However not much will be lost offensively as they went 2-8 at the plate. Important lessons were learned during this mishap, and they are: NEVER PARTAKE IN ANY COUPLES SHOWERS ESPECIALLY ON GAME DAY.

The Master Batters move to the top of the league rankings with this win as they are now a perfect 2-0. They do however have many holes in there defense located mostly between their legs.

Despite Late Inning 'K', Master Batters Cruise Past Shockers 11-2

The offseason is over, and so are the sleepless nights and painful nightmares...at least for now. The 2007 season, better known as the "Late Summer Meltdown" is a thing of the past and nothing stands in their way except for their questionable genes and their unfortunate athletic ability. Once again the Master Batters enter the 2008 season as the full on league favorites. The chilled lake breeze can't help but remind them that the season is underway and should contain more running and gunning then even a cript or blood could handle.

2007 pitching standout Sarah Brown (2.00 ERA) took the mound in the top of the first and proved that her walks and tears are a thing of the past and 2008 should prove that her south side toughness is both mental and physical. Completing the Battery for game 1 was catcher, Chatty Cervenka. Expectations for her were low coming into the season but an offseason tune up of her hitting mechanics helped her shed that haunting "Helen Keller" persona. "I can't help but credit my early hitting success to the extra swings I took at Sluggers Sports Bar in between the shots and googly eyes from Luke," commented Chatty Keller. "It had nothing to do with Andy working with me, tirelessly rubbing dirt on my hands saying softball chatty...softball." I guess sometimes it easier to learn what water is opposed to softball.

Breaking the game wide open in the bottom of the 2nd innings was first baseman Cliff Barnett. Number 0 Cliff Barnet might be better remembered by his outstanding one handed sticky glove touchdown catch during the winter football season. However, he feels that in softball there is no need for sticky batting gloves, even though he fully expects to lead the team in RBI's. I asked Cliff, what inspired you to hit those run in. He commented, "if the pros do it, then I am going to do it. That's just what I do." I couldn't have put it any better myself.

Time will tell how the middle infield consisting of "Ferty" Furman, and Kellie "The Riot" Hasselbeck will fair. As for now the better half of this duo does not lead the team in errors and strikeouts.

Luke Tripodi, recently handed a stiff punishment of a statless season looked phenomenal at 3rd base. The glimmer of the sun penetrating in and out of the cracked horizon really accentuated his flawless silky smooth features. After the game I got a chance to speak with him. "After being told of this statless season penalty, I lost a piece of my soul. However after looking at Andy and seeing the time and dedication he put towards his red outfit and matching red hat, he has shown me a new way and I will come to the next game fully dressed in matching game attire."
Luke went on to express his anger toward the third base coach, and holding him up from what would have been the game winning run. "I signed a Chicago sports medical waiver before the game that puts me responsible for my own safety. I don't need no coach to tell me what I can and can't do." "Sure Luke...sure, but its I don't need a coach to tell me what I should or shouldn't do," I added. Safety first.

Fielding was scarce for Outfielders, Justin Smith, Andy Carpenter, and "Peanut" Carpenter, due to the lack of power and ability the Shockers displayed offensively. The only run scoring action came in the 3rd inning when Kristina Carpenter spastically ran down a fly ball and athletically avoided getting hit in the face. She has shown much improvement over last year, where as last year it would have landed right in between her eyes, once again shedding tears of embarrassment.

Justin Smith's childhood dream of making a diving catch in a game will have to wait two more weeks, however his manhood dreams of targeting defenseless girls while batting came true today as he hit a team high 4 for 4. The targeting of defenseless girls is not to be confused with this 1997 conviction, which landed him a minimum sentence of 1 year, which he served and went right back to his old ways. Smith currently leads the team in average, on base percentage and prison league mvp trophies.

The late offseason acquisition of rover Lauren Ritter proved favorable for the Master Batters as she showed a striking resemblance to a late careered Chuck Knoblauch. Her fielding was flawless, however the team could have kidnapped anyone from a topless "boys town" bar to throw the ball to first more effectively.

The 2008 Master Batters showed glimpses of perfection, but it will come down to their ability to avoid the potholes on the long road to the Chicago Sports Softball Championship.

Staff writer